Apples for trash

There was a Subcarpathian Hungarian folk tale in my textbook at primary school, in which the son of a rich man loaded up two wagons with apples and set off on a journey to find his wife-to-be. He didn’t stop until he had reached the seventh village, where he started to sell his produce in the middle of the market. However, he asked not for money but rubbish for his apples. All the rich girls took him tons of trash and in return received delicious apples, but the boy didn’t like any of them so he continued on his way.

Finally, just one apple remained, the finest and the reddest. This is when the poor girl appeared, with barely any rubbish in the bottom of her basket. The boy was looking for exactly such a wife, they married and lived happily ever after.

However much I wracked my brains, I simply couldn’t work this story out. I was puzzled. As the daughter of a ten-sibling family living in a hamlet in Baranya county, and later on in a farm in Kiskunság without conveniences or rubbish collection, it was strange that what for us was natural was for others of such value. Of course, at that time there was not even a whisper of such things as the ecological footprint, the zero waste movement, and we similarly had not an inkling of the holy trinity of reduce-reuse-recycle. My parents moved from the Budapest downtown to the countryside in order to get back to nature and produce what was needed. My mother learnt all about growing vegetables, kneading bread and the secrets of making preserves and jams from Swabian housewives, my father took care of the animals, while we turned over their fresh hay in the summer heatwaves and in return they gave us fresh milk which we made into cottage cheese, sour cream and cheese. Our life was an exciting adventure but sometimes I longed for the shop which was an unreachable distance by foot from our farm, because there one could get fresh yeast which gave a totally different (and for me much better) tasting bread than the sourdough matured in the summer sun.

Why was there such a high price to pay for paper-wrapped yeast, or the petrol used to get to the shop?

Although we never spoke about it, we received a truly environmentally-conscious upbringing, yet as an adult it still appeared totally natural that the needs of my little family and our convenience should be at the centre of my attention. I personally experienced how easy it is for a person to get swept away by the individualistic social orientation, and how aware one must be in order not constantly to chase after the latest, the biggest, the most modern and the most beautiful.

Proximity and illustration

Despite being aware of the incredible degree to which our lifestyle is polluting our environment, and that change cannot be delayed any more, we still make every effort – with the help of various self-protective mechanisms – to sweep the facts under the carpet. Through denial, we don’t have to face up to the burdensome realization, which also plays into our hands, that the truly serious problems are happening far from us (the melting of the polar icecaps and glaciers, rising sea levels, ever more frequent storms and tornadoes, the extinction of flora and fauna) and, for the moment at least, they do not have a direct impact on us. According to psychology, the fact of proximity basically determines how much the given case moves us emotionally or spurs us into action. As long as the problem is not evident in our immediate environment, then we won’t even lift a finger to help.

Nobody escapes? Does the much talked-about mid-life crisis get everyone sooner or later?
“Developmental psychology categorizes the life of a person into approximately eight major stages. The role in life of a teenager is different to someone in their forties. The joys and troubles are different. The current of human life cannot be stemmed, it cannot be arrested by violence or ideologically, therefore the great changes in mid-life cannot be avoided either.

“Unfortunately, this is often called a ‘crisis’. It is necessary to see that this is in fact a ‘normal’ change. The end of every stage of our life is a crisis because we grow out of the lifestyle we have enjoyed so far and we have not yet grown into the new, but this is not bad: growth, maturity are the natural paths of development.

“The maturation crisis should be used for good: quit certain things from an earlier stage of life, mourn, and open towards the new with interest. ‘Crisis’ can be used for purification, forgiveness, sorting out, but also for discovering new energy, openness, learning. So a good ‘crisis’ can be a springboard and this is particularly true since the crucifixion of Christ.”

Is there always some great loss – partnership, financial, health etc. – in the background, or on coming into their forties do people instinctively draw up some kind of reckoning?
“Jung says that the first half of life is about collecting: when young, we ‘acquire’ a profession, qualifications, a household, children, cultural elements and money – in the second half of life it is not possible to live according to the same ‘collecting’ programme. Then comes the profundity. It often happens that somebody doesn’t want to, or simply cannot, step onto this narrower pathway, but instead wants to return to his/her twenty-year-old self and restart the ‘collecting’ programme. New companion, different religion, cosmopolitan lifestyle, untried things… Of course, these things can anaesthetize for a time but the deep-seated ball-bearings of our life will not allow us to lie to ourselves forever.

“You cannot run away from the big questions of mid-life: rather, you should embrace them boldly, and especially go after those who have moved on well.

“I don’t like using the expression ‘instinctively’ for spiritual matters. Instinct operates at the physical, biological, animal plane. The Soul rather ‘inspires’ one to the great questions, insights, profundity. We can be confident that the Soul leads everyone in every stage of life to the true happiness of the given age – but this never happens instinctively, mechanically, but instead in free, prayerful cooperation.”

The intensity and duration of the mid-life crisis differs according to the individual. What is it that determines how long it lasts and how we get through it?
“It depends on many factors. Firstly, we don’t drop into mid-life ‘innocent as a new-born lamb’: the big question is what we did earlier. To what extent did we resolve our earlier tasks in life, how many unfinished important matters did we put off, and even how much burden and sin did we amass, something that is not so easy to settle? Good models are very important: don’t chase after false prophets but seek out the true ‘elite’ who have gone ahead correctly. Man is a social being: good friends, long-lasting relationships, family are precious for us. Whoever possesses these has a bulwark in times of crisis. Spiritual maturity is essential: for Christians, prayer, the Bible, services, a spiritual leader, theology, ethical learning. According to Jung, an unsettled relationship to God always lies behind states of disorder cropping up in the second half of life. It may be that the problems appear in the guise of family, profession, psychology, culture, but Jung was of the belief that the root of these was frequently to be found in neglect of one’s relationship to God and insufficient spiritual life.

“Someone is smart who is smart in progress, that is, they experience the joy of every stage of life, they are capable of bidding farewell to a past stage of life and are open to the next.”

The false life-ideal whispered by advertisements and social media only amplifies this but fundamentally, why are we so afraid of the passage of time?
“One of the components of the mid-life crisis is the passage of time. It is like when you reach the top of a peak and there is no more going up, just down. You can see that you will not live as much as you have already. You see roughly what opportunities there are left to establish a family. You suspect what levels you can still reach in your career and what will be unattainable. You start to be dumbfounded at all those things you’ve never seen, never experienced, never tried, places never reached. And you’ll begin to glimpse the likely health difficulties, too. The passage of time is a hard press indeed.

“According to a German moralist, Klaus Demmer, the person who has not come to good decisions (good companions, educators, common sense, religion, ethics, culture etc.) will be forced by the press of time to make major decisions. The passing of time must be taken seriously. The great opportunity for Christians is that Christ revealed the entirety of time, the way in which history, and in it my life, moves on. This way, we can live all stages of life according to these eternal perspectives, we can handle opportunities and lack of fulfilment. We have to realize that the Christian faith is protective: it helps one to live in a true way in every stage of life and it represents a protection factor at times of crises, during the mid-life ‘crisis’.”

In the optimal case, a well-functioning domestic relationship can be a refuge. But what is the situation if the mid-life crisis crashes on the husband and wife at the same time and they both feel that the other is to blame for their unhappiness?
“In the optimal case, we marry for better or worse, that is, we can be companions in times of crisis as well. It may be burdensome if the ‘stars are misaligned’ at the same time but the opportunities in this must also be recognized. One can be more empathetic in understanding how the other feels. Joint steps can be sought out which will help both sides. Common friends can be mobilized. New habits can be taken up together, the partners can immerse themselves spiritually, they can also attend a learning course together.

“Blaming each other is a massive trap.

“On the one hand, there will certainly be some truth in it; when we marry, we do not take a god as our partner but a person with all their faults – however marvellous a being they are. Through one-sidedness, we caused a lack of fulfilment in our spouse: because of me, he/she did not become what he/she wanted, never managed to get where he/she wanted, his/her life didn’t become what he/she wanted, and this must be humbly acknowledged. The person who has not become reconciled in the course of life can truly accumulate a lot of dissatisfaction and this may reach boiling point at mid-life. So my advice is: humbly acknowledge that we have contributed to the lack of fulfilment of the other. Although we shouldn’t just look at this, we have to see how we developed each other, how much joy we had, how we took each other towards salvation – but it is good to reflect on the lack of fulfilment. A part must be let go, but maybe there is something that was a long-held dream of the other, and it would be great to fulfil that. This is how I took my wife to Venice after promising her we’d go for 20 years.”

It is a sad fact that nearly a half of all marriages end in divorce. When it appears that it is all over, why is it still worth carrying on?
“I would say just two things about the high number of divorces and the degradability of relationships. On the one hand, there is a dreadful lack of placing theology more at the centre of our lives. Theological truths cannot be footnotes at major moments of crisis in our lives; instead, they have to be the engine, the leading force, the inspiration. It is sad when we reach major decisions on the basis of instincts, desires, fears, or even merely at ‘humanist level’, on the basis of psychological or sociological aspects. Theological truths offer strengths, perspectives, alternatives, models of coping. They help one live.

“Of course, one is tired by the middle of one’s life if one wants to run only with human strength! A friend of mine who runs marathon distances said once: in order to run the marathon, one only needs enough muscle strength to do half the distance. Spiritual strength is needed for the other half. The same is true of life: it’s not easy to run to the end just using human strength.

“Theology is able to bring in certain aspects that purely secular sciences cannot, thus it is capable of answering the question ‘why is it worth persevering?’ in wider frames. Those for whom this horizon opens can take wing and fly. The other important aspect is that we talked ourselves into major decisions: that is, there is no such thing as an atomized ‘me’ who enters into a decision and then can step out of it without losses. If I talk ‘myself’ into a major decision, I identify with it, then by reneging on the decision I give up on myself, too. I must say that you should stick to your major decisions because they are who you are. I consider the expression ‘dynamic loyalty’ to be important: loyalty cannot be static (we keep doing the same things we did 20 years ago…), it must be dynamic. Decisions reached at one time must be increasingly allowed to unfold: from a mustard seed one can grow a large tree with a fine crop. The question of God comes up particularly keenly especially around mid-life; responses to questions of the passage of time, the meaning of life, life after death cannot be avoided. It is important for everybody to look into the eyes of God in a matured state: having shed the childish-youthful devoutness and non-devoutness, and relate to God as a mature adult.”

It is half past nine in the morning and the day has started with a group skill development class in the 17th district Völgyzugolyház. Nothing in the house is as I had imagined it.  In the house ‘furnished’ with tents, musical instruments, hammocks, wall bars and a variety of toys, the first thing I see is a hair dryer – one of the therapy teachers is using it to keep a few colourful crepe paperchains floating in front of the children seated around her. “The application of basal stimulation is extremely important, but Petra, our therapy teacher, will tell you more about this,” Zsuzsanna, one of the founders of Völgyzugolyház, starts our conversation. “These children require 24-hour-a-day supervision. They have to struggle with many things and are helped in this not only by their families but the teaching team who have a variety of professional backgrounds,” says Zsuzsanna.

Zsuzsanna Somlai and Katalin Borbély Horváthné established Völgyzugolyház Foundation in 2017 with the objective of creating a space, family programmes and a new educational format for seriously handicapped children. It is no secret that they, too, are affected: both are bringing up severely and multiply handicapped children.

“We come from the same place as the parents who come to us: earlier, we also went with the kids from one development centre to the next.”

“Having been unable to find a suitable and inclusive school, we set up Völgyzugolyház. At the moment, four development specialists, one therapy teacher assistant and a manual therapist, who all work different hours, join the four children. We plan to extend the enrolment of children as we find more specialists,” says Katalin Borbély Horváthné.

“In the case of severely handicapped children, quite often just one person is not enough when it comes to development and caring, taking into account the child’s weight, the level of mobility handicap, unexpected epileptic seizures or orthopaedic problems demanding great care,” adds Zsuzsanna.

Whereas in state institutions one carer has to look after several children, in Völgyzugolyház there is one expert to each child.

Zsuzsanna and her team bit off almost more than they could chew when they set about realizing their own special educational concept, which they believe is capable of offering an alternative to the existing system for looking after seriously and multiply disabled children. The ‘prototype’ of their concepts can be found in Vanília Street in Budapest’s 17th district. “It is important to make it clear, this is an experimental model. Family development day-care (CSAFNA) is not designed to perfect the existing institutional formats but to offer an alternative alongside existing educational and care institutions. Our aim is that severely, multiply handicapped children are also able to fulfil their schooling attendance requirements of a minimum 20 hours a week as set down in the act on public education. Unfortunately, across the country as a whole two-thirds of concerned children do not meet this standard. Another of our goals is to offer afternoon day-care facilities for children. All this is organized at local, community level, thereby guaranteeing that we are truly reacting to the needs of families,” says Zsuzsanna.

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The Foundation intends to have CSAFNA officially recognized, and to do this they have reached out to the Ministry of Human Capacities. Zsuzsanna and her team would like to have professional and content frameworks laid down that would regulate and assist in making their work fully efficient. But they also want to make sure that any implemented system is not overregulated and that the finalized structure could be realized within other districts of the capital or even in the countryside.

But let’s get back to Völgyzugoly! At the moment, there are 20 classes a week in the house on loan from the local government, made up of child developmental care and individual and group activities over a total of three days – currently, this is how the founders see their abovementioned concepts realizable. “We are receiving a considerable amount of attention from specialists, institutions, parental NGOs and families because we are providing a much-needed service. Those people who work here – who, by the way, are employees of Standardized Special Education Methodological Institute (EGYMI) – can travel with us not along well-worn pathways but totally new routes, they can develop their own concepts, which demands far more independent and creative thinking.”

“It is a great pleasure to be taking part in the sort of initiative that perhaps others will pursue after us,” says Petra Bircsák, therapy teacher, following one of the group intellectual development classes.

In the course of their day-to-day activities, special needs experts try to create situations where the children feel they can actively influence the day’s activities. “Everyone has their own song that they use to identify themselves at the beginning of the day. This is the communicator, they use this to say hello,” says Petra showing me the device. “If, let’s say, I stop the blowing, I ask my class, who would like me to continue. Then one of the children gives a sign. This method is useful because it makes them feel that they have free choice.”

Each week the children deal with a different topic in individual and group classes. When I was there it was the turn of spring weather, so the day was all about the wind, sunshine and rain. “Because they have less developed sensory organs, we use the practical sessions to give them experience that will help in understanding. They learn to pay attention and of course we invest particular emphasis in communication,” says Petra about the basal stimulations mentioned earlier.

“This is the yes-no tool,” the therapy teacher says showing me another device. “If, for instance, I see that somebody does not want to complete the given task, by using this device I can find out what he/she really would like to do.”

Every object gives a different sound, is a different shape or colour. But while working, special needs teachers also use body language and gestures. “We can establish a connection with them even by lifting a hand. We also have motional equipment that is necessary, for instance, in developing balance,” notes Petra.

In the meantime, Zsuzsa, a mother of one of the children, joins the conversation. “Every time we step in through the door, my son is smiling from ear to ear. He goes home from here exhausted because he has done so many things; some are the sorts of things that I cannot give him at home,” the mother relates. When I ask her how she found out about the work of the foundation, she tells me that several people told her about this place while she was in the street and even on the bus. “I like it a lot that there is a teacher for every child. My seven-year-old son has not been bored for a single second since he started coming here. You can also see how happy he is.

“Of course, it was also important to have a family-like atmosphere and being here is just like being at home. Until now I had to be with my son around the clock, but now I have time for other things, for example, my partner and I can plan joint programmes…” 

Völgyzugolyház is a ‘work in progress’, it is not an institution where the parents can just drop off their children. Here, everyone mutually collaborates in the interests of the children. “We started off from a single children’s room in 2016, after which we had to wait for a year to get our own building. We renovated the house where we are today over the course of an entire year, but luckily we are all surrounded by a supportive environment. We received huge outside help in the building work and the families concerned also did their bit in the renovation. One of the fathers undertook to do the parquet flooring, another plumbed in the dishwasher and did the tiling,” says Zsuzsanna in winding up the chat. The foundation’s next project will be doing up the garden, part of the funding for which has already been earmarked in a tender supporting local communities. As I travel home from Völgyzugolyház, it passes through my mind that I would be happy to do my own bit in this joint effort.

An institution can be family-friendly when its director is as well. Bethesda is one of the most family-friendly hospitals in Hungary. You have five siblings, five children and soon five grandchildren. What does family mean in your life?
“Family for us is an extremely important, living institution. My ancestors going back many generations were large and cohesive families. In different historical situations, only family represented a fixed point, this is how we survived communism.

“We are six siblings in all – I am second in line – and there are 37 cousins. Our small – to some, big – family fits in to this multi-generational great family.

“I consider my parents, my two grandfathers and several uncles to be my role models. They were marvellous characters, they lived in natural faith in God, practically, ready to act and in sustaining love. They had no suffering religiosity, no glazed kindness. They were true to life, humorous, genuine. They underwent countless trials yet they always stood by their principles and faith.” 

Is there anything to do with your family that means you became a paediatrician and then director?
“Partly socialization, and partly character may be the reason that I have a qualification as a paediatrician and anaesthesiologist-intensive therapy specialist. When I started university, intellectually speaking I was most attracted to psychiatry. But I was always involved with young children; I learnt about and got to love the world of children thanks to my own siblings and my many cousins. My specialist medical work demands the ability to reach decisions very quickly and concentrated action, this suits my character. I became a manager early on – I think largely as a result of my extremely intensive acquisition of professional experience, my strong sense of purpose and the social routine deriving from coming from a large family. In our wider family, the most popular profession is teaching, but there are many doctors and nearly all of them are paediatricians, one of my own sons included. Not only do I work in a managerial position, but my siblings are largely in this area, too, and as I see it, the potential for this is in my children as well.”

Not forgetting your wife, who is a deputy head of department...
“I was a classmate of Anikó. She comes from the world of kulaks, a child of a family from the settlement of Túrkeve, contrary to our urban, middle class, large family background. We came from very different environments, to this day we are still shaping our own little world, which from several angles resembles ours, yet she also brought along countless elements. Her grandparents were hard-working peasants, and her parents – similarly to my ancestors – were badly damaged by communism. As thrifty people, they were able to provide solid financial security in comparison with our more easygoing attitude to life. In the end, the two different cultures tended to complement one another. My wife is a quiet Kun girl with a determined opinion. She is a highly intelligent, well-read, thoughtful person. I am quick to reach decisions and prefer action; she is slower, and more hesitant, but a persistent type. We have much to learn from one another and it was not always easy that our reflexes were different. At one time we often quarrelled, and we occasionally still do because of this, but on the whole, I reckon this has a good impact on the family because it opens up lines of communication.”

You became a manager early on so I suppose the raising of your five children fell more to your wife, despite which she did not give up working. On top of this, she has been your subordinate for years…
“The drive of the profession caught me very early on, I worked a massive amount and indeed I became a manager quite soon. However, given her character and in line with her role as a mother, she became a children’s radiologist, which is a far more closely bound and closed world, more monotonous and rational work, and easier to harmonize with family life. It was a good compromise. Anikó has enormous energy and is able to bear stress on both fronts. Even so, I played my part in family tasks. Our parents, primarily her mother, helped a great deal, but my parents were always on hand to help out.

“In other words, the extended family provided the background for both raising children and work, and there was no situation in which we didn't have immediate help..

“As far as the boss-subordinate relation goes, we studied together as university students and later on we worked together. I was not yet director when she returned to work. It was better that it worked out this way. I think we can handle this situation perfectly. We rarely talk about work at home, we look on it as different tasks and not a hierarchical question. After the initial surprise, everyone in the hospital accepts it as natural and nobody lobbies via my wife. Instead, I had to make sure that her department did not suffer a disadvantage because initially my reflex was not to make any exceptions for her. By now, I reckon I have got the proportion right. She likewise takes part in meetings like all the others; if she has to, she’ll use arguments, not infrequently even going against me, but this is right and proper. I weigh up her personal feedback. She has a critical nature, she mainly notes what she doesn’t like, which of course sometimes I remark on.”

Still, five young children for two very busy doctors who love their profession cannot have been easy...
“Children liberate me! I adore being with my children and now my grandchildren, they represent rest and recuperation. But it is a fact that we lived in a heightened state, both of us put in massive amounts of duty time and I was on call 24-7 for decades. This meant that I would dash into the hospital at any time and from anywhere. Our children got used to us not having a typical lifestyle, but one with a lot of flexibility and adaptation. They didn’t complain at the time but since then it turned out that they didn’t necessarily enjoy it. I sense that they are now compensating for this: in their lives they make greater effort to ensure secure and peaceful situations. But I am still convinced that overall, their extremely lively childhood had a good impact on them: they are all flexible people ready to act.”

Has your lifestyle changed as grandparents?
“These days it is frequently just the two of us since the children are not at home on weekdays. Anikó continues to work hard, she has several jobs, she is frequently on call and duty. I also work 10-14 hours a day but in a more flexible schedule. Our children count on us, we have a quite intense relationship. If everything works out, I spend an afternoon with my grandchildren each week, and my wife is with them for a day after her on-duty. They ask for help when it is necessary but they have their own world so we are in the right place as grandparents. In fact, the centre of family life has shifted to the Balaton, where we have managed to build a large ‘Hosting house’. If I go back three generations, there was always such a spacious house serving as the meeting point for the family, located in various parts of the country. Our children spend a lot of time there and we rush down there, too, when we can.”

Have you any time for a hobby or voluntary work?
“I love my work but a lot of other things as well. For example, running. We have a team made up of colleagues, I was the slowest but I want to improve through a regime of consistent exercise. I enjoy playing tennis, we go every week with one of my sons and my nephews; this is the only sport that I am still competitive in. I would also mention skiing and tarot card games – we regularly do both with friends and family. The arts are of fundamental importance so each week we go at least once to the theatre or a concert, sometimes the cinema, and we read a lot (I mainly read poetry). We really love travelling and when she can, my wife accompanies me on business trips. Last year, for example, we packed a lot in, we travelled to Japan and America, but besides that each spring we go with one or two couples we know to some exciting destination, this year, for example, we went to the Basque Country. Wherever we are, galleries are my most important target. We have many friends, both within and outside the hospital, but we also get on very well with my siblings and we spend a lot of time together.

“I consider the Hungarians beyond the border to be very important, I frequently take part in various events, health screenings, lectures, courses – most frequently in the sub-Carpathian region and Transylvania.”

You espouse your faith as a professional and a manager but we don’t know much how you experience that as a private person.

“Just as my ancestors, we too concentrate on our everyday life and not on solemnity and formalities, living our faith in strong, Christian communities. However, we have all had to go through that ‘crisis situation’ when the faith received from home and lived in communities becomes a personal, God experience. Thank God, our parents also inspired us for this and we, siblings, also inspired each other. This freedom is very important for us, we received that attitude towards life in which it is worth living, but there was no obligatory system of form.

“It is a special gift that we grew into three churches: my father was Catholic, my mother was Reformed, my grandmother on my father’s side was Lutheran. Authentic lives lived in different framework systems had a strong impact on us. Today, I feel at home in all the churches.

“My religious life is today more solitary and individual than it used to be: in the morning, we leave home with the Reformed daily prayer, I live a contemplative, meditative life of prayer, and every year I attend a retreat. Sometimes we attend Catholic mass and sometimes the Reformed, or not infrequently Evangelical service.”

Anna Dévény, ‘Aunt Panni’, spent nearly 40 years perfecting her method. She devoted her entire life to this and refused to give up when she found herself working in the midst of attacks on her professional standing. Right to the end she believed that the Creator had entrusted her with a special task. She was proven correct, the results of her method are indisputable, as proved by a series of professional acknowledgements today. But following the death of Aunt Panni, has it been possible to preserve the purity of her method and carry on her legacy? I spoke with DSGM specialist physiotherapist Zsuzsanna Mézám at the headquarters of the Foundation in Széll Kálmán Square.

Zsuzsanna: “It is two years almost to the day that Aunt Panni is no longer with us physically, yet while we are working we ‘sense’ her, it is as though her spirit still resides within the walls of the building. We all miss her a great deal.”

Who and in what way does the Dévény method help?

Zsuzsanna: “I would divide the children who come to us into two main groups: one includes premature babies and children who have more serious neurological or orthopaedic injuries. The second group, they are in the majority, experience minor abnormalities or disorders. The parents, district nurse and paediatrician see these but trust that they will grow out of the problem since every child develops in a different way. Unfortunately, it is our experience that these minor faults do not go away.

“If a child’s musculature is tight or loose, his or her body posture is asymmetric, there are tensions and contractions in the musculoskeletal and connective tissue system, the motor development of the child can diverge and this may cause serious problems later on in life. 

“The fact is, motor development is closely associated with the development of cognitive abilities. The ‘minor faults’ may be disguised but they remain within the child and then later, at school, they really become apparent. The children concerned find it difficult to sit in one place, they are constantly fidgeting, they find it a problem to copy from the blackboard to the exercise book, many are dyslexic, dysgraphic or struggle with other learning difficulties. They may well be highly intelligent, it is just that they are unable to perform to the best of their abilities. We bear a huge responsibility to notice whether besides the movement aspect a given child also requires, for example, optical or audio development therapy.”

On entering the treatment room, we are met by Nikolett, a smiling mother, who is cradling her beautiful one-year-old daughter. I was informed before the meeting that Zsófika was born well ahead of term, which was very tough for the family. Nikolett felt it important that, by talking about her own story, she could help other parents in a similar situation.

How did you come into contact with the Dévény Anna Foundation?

Nikolett: “Zsófi was born in the 25th week and we spent three and a half months in various hospitals. She weighed 770 grams at birth and was about 30 cm. Already in Péterfy Hospital one of the doctors suggested that as soon as we left we should definitely get in touch with the Foundation, but luckily my mother had also heard and read a huge amount about the achievements of Anna Dévény. After they released us from hospital, we felt that we had been left to look after ourselves.

“It would have been a huge help, particularly given the emotional state we were in then, had somebody given us even a few telephone numbers and informed us about exactly what sort of help our premature baby girl needed. 

“In November we contacted the Foundation and we received an appointment for an examination in January.”

What state was Zsófika in at that time?

Nikolett: “When we contacted the Foundation, we could already see on Zsófi that she didn’t move in the same way as her sibling at that age. It was only with great difficultly, indeed with increasing difficulty that she moved her head, she didn’t support herself on her forearms and we couldn’t even bend her limbs. We look at the corrected age of premature babies, she should have been born in the middle of October but she arrived in early July. In other words, she is one year old but one has to look on her as being an eight-and-a-half-month-old baby, she should move, pay attention and have verbal skills for this level. Wherever we took her for check-ups they always told us that given her corrected age everything was fine but in this regard we were far from being reassured.”

Zsuzsanna, what did you find on your first examination?

Zsuzsanna: “When Zsófika arrived for an examination it was love at first sight as far as I am concerned. I saw a tiny, poorly child.

“She could really only turn her head to the left, which is no surprise because she was probably put down on her tummy in the incubator since this was the only way for her to breathe. 

“I really wanted to help them. I have my own children so I was able to understand the desperate situation when it is a child, a person’s most precious treasure, at stake.”

Nikolett: “Trust was immediately established and we also secretly hoped that we would get Zsuzsi. A massive weight fell from my shoulders when she called and said that she would treat Zsófi once a week.”

Zsuzsanna: “Zsófika’s corrected age was three months when we started the therapy. It is our experience that we can reach better results with treatment that starts early. The regenerative capacity of the nervous system is greater in early childhood. Then in the following months it gradually declines.”

Six months has passed since January. Where are you with Zsófi now?

Nikolett: “She was able to turn her head even after the first two therapy sessions. Zsuzsi have great advice for home as well. One was that when lying on her tummy, we should put a rolled-up towel under her armpit. We didn’t really know how we could help her, we had no idea whether her back, shoulders or arms were tense, or all at once. Thanks to Zsuzsi’s advice, we came to the next session with Zsófika being able to support herself – even though not for long – on her forearms. We really needed these rapid results for us to calm down a bit.”

What was the next milestone?

Nikolett: “Zsófi does something new two days after virtually every treatment. It was spectacular when she started reaching out for things, when she held her head steady when lying prone. A difficult movement became a joy to move. Today, she loves to kick and move about, she is smart and strong. She loves coming here, she never cries, she has a great relationship with Zsuzsi. She only tends to make a fuss if I go to the bathroom. She didn’t do this before. It sounds strange but I’m delighted by this because this level of separation anxiety and attachment is another sign of development.”

Not all babies bear treatment so well. If they cry, what is the reason?

Zsuzsanna: “We treat the children very carefully but the excessive muscle tension and contraction must be resolved. Obviously this causes some unpleasantness for the children. We always try to work with the minimum level of effort necessary for the therapy to be effective yet not causing unnecessary pain. The stimulation of the nervous system that Zsófika is undergoing is certainly painless.”

Nikolett: “We also do a lot at home with the homework Zsuzsi gives us. Thank God Zsófi is no longer lagging behind, she is more or less where she should be based on her corrected age. She’s been crawling for a week.”

How long is treatment expected to last?  

Zsuzsanna: “Until she has learnt to move independently and correctly. When she starts to climb nicely, then she gets a longer break of a few weeks. 

“At the major motor development milestones we like to give time for the baby to practice and perfect the given movement form.

“Motor development does not have to be rushed, the important thing is quality of movement, but we always have to be on guard: if a form of movement is delayed or appears in an irregular form, then we must help.”

How can parents, adrift in the ‘sea’ of treatments and various therapies, be sure that it is the Dévény method that will be most effective for their child?

Zsuzsanna: “The Dévény method can be used successfully in all areas of locomotor rehabilitation, but we can achieve the best results in motor development of infants. Parents share between themselves amazing stories they have heard, besides which an increasing number of neurologists, orthopaedic specialists, paediatricians and district nurses are recommending the method.  

“80% of children treated by the Foundation become fully functioning children. 

“Children falling into the other 20% require further development or they are children born with serious orthopaedic lesions or damage to the nervous system, and we are able to effect only minor improvements in their condition or prevent muscle wastage.”

Is the waiting list long? 

Zsuzsanna: “It takes about one month to six weeks from the time parents phone up to having their children examined, but after that we can put the child into therapy immediately, assuming he/she requires it.”

How much does the treatment cost? 

Zsuzsanna: “Treatment is supported by the National Health Insurance Fund of Hungary (NEAK), and the Foundation is maintained by the Ministry of Human Resources (EMMI). 

“In addition, we tender, companies and private individuals support the Foundation, but we also need the donations of parents to keep the operation going. We ask for a contribution of HUF 4000 per session from those who can afford it, but this can be reduced. This is the same not only in our Budapest centre but at 13 clinics around the country as well.”

Has the method been copied? How can one avoid tricksters?

Zsuzsanna: “Unfortunately, we frequently receive negative feedback from parents about ‘therapists’ who are not listed with the Foundation, in other words, they are not trained DSGM physiotherapists. We can only accept responsibility for colleagues we know. Anybody can phone our central call line and we are happy to provide information about experts who belong to us. There is massive oversubscription for the DSGM physiotherapist training course and we are capable of training only 26 therapists every two years. Applicants have to pass a rigorous selection procedure and those physiotherapists are preferred who make the application from settlements where there are either no DSGM therapists, or only a few.” 

Anna Dévény, Aunt Panni, frequently said that she hoped there would be others who would carry on the good work, and who would be capable of preserving the purity of the method. Is this guaranteed, in your view?

Zsuzsanna: “I can answer this with an unequivocal yes. Anna Dévény devoted particular attention to gathering around her those dedicated professionals humble to the method who were capable of carrying on her work. Here I would first like to mention Margit Klein Hubikné, the current professional manager of the Foundation, who was the first physiotherapist to work alongside Anna Dévény. We, her successors, bear a huge responsibility not only to preserve the purity of the method but also that we scientifically underpin the insights of Anna Dévény, which are far ahead of their time. I thank God that I had the chance to know her!”

Fate redirected you from the Nyíregyháza pathology department towards kindergartens. How did this come about?
“I had three siblings and we grew up in Hajdúszoboszló. I left school in 1953, at the worst moment of the Rákosi era, and prepared to be a doctor. However, I wasn’t taken on to the medical university because my father had been found guilty in a show trial: the charge was that he had agitated at an assembly, although he was not even there. I moved to Nyíregyháza with my husband and there I was able to find work in the pathology laboratory of a hospital. My boss, professor Ferenc Gerlei, was renowned internationally. He had written the following classical Latin quote on the wall in block letters: ‘Hic locus est ubi mors gaudet succurrere vitae’, that is, ‘This is the place where death has pleasure in hastening to the aid of life’. The fact is, pathology helps cure the living. I was delighted to read in Képmás that the very same thought is reflected in the approach of neurosurgeon András Csókay: he first tried out brain surgery techniques on corpses.

“Although I loved my work, I had to leave because of my allergy to benzol and xylol. There are no coincidences, only God’s logic at work. I had to switch careers and because I really love children, and my mother worked in a home for kindergarten-aged children, I thought that I would become a kindergarten teacher.”

How did you feel when you moved from the peace and quiet of a laboratory to the buzzing life of a kindergarten?
“I completed the correspondence course of the nursery school training college in Szarvas and six months before the state exam I was sent for practice. At that time there were large children’s groups with 40 or so children in kindergartens. When somebody has no experience and they cannot keep discipline, then they don’t know the small tricks that can get children to stop doing something naughty voluntarily.

“I always kept a small doll in my pocket that proved to be an excellent way of diverting attention.

“But I came across more difficult cases as well: psychological problems when, for example, the child would self-punish by banging his or her head against the wall. When this happened I had to dig right down to the psychological fundamentals of my profession so that I was able to perform according to my own expectations. In 1963 I graduated as a kindergarten teacher. Five years later I became qualified to teach kindergarten methodology and students came to me for practical classes. I have a folder in my computer with the title ‘I was always a happy kindergarten teacher’. This is where I keep all my photos connected with schools.”

It would seem that you consider your work a success.
“I soon became a director and in 1972 I was awarded the Honourable Order of Labour in Parliament. From 1968 to 1971 I conducted trials in Szabolcs-Szatmár-Bereg county prior to the introduction of the new kindergarten training programme. You have to imagine that earlier, kindergarten teaching was based on demonstrations: the children were all seated in a semi-circle and we demonstrated to them standing, from a central point. You can imagine how hard it was to get three-year-olds to sit down in a semi-circle and pay attention to the illustrative picture or involve them in questions and answers… It took absolutely no account of the children’s capabilities. In the later, new educational programme we only initiated activities in small groups and if the children were interested, then they joined in. We set up a book corner for telling stories and initiated singing and music, only physical education was obligatory.”

To what do you attribute the fact that you were able to deal with kindergarten-age children happily and not end up burnt-out mentally?
“It depended, and still depends, on how a person ‘approaches children’ so that in the meantime he/she lifts them up, and educates them joyfully, with humour and not primarily discipline.

“Discipline is the result of education, not the means of education.

“Of course, there are some children with whom it is very difficult to get along, but it is also our duty to see that everyone feels happy in school. I had an overactive pupil who was brought up with beatings by his father, so this child also beat the other children. Unfortunately, I made the error of reporting this to the parents, so that the child got it even worse at home. Then I said to the child: ‘Let’s make a pact. I’ll never again tell your parents that you were naughty here, but I ask you to stop fighting.’ I always tried to tie up energy and attention with something else. On the very day that I retired, one of my colleagues went to the doctor because she had to extend her driving licence. She asked if she could be seen first because she had to go back for the farewell party of her head teacher. ‘Who is the head kindergarten teacher?’ the doctor enquired. ‘Harcsa Tiborné’ was the reply. ‘Aunt Kati? She was my kindergarten teacher!’ The doctor asked where I lived. I was just about to set off for the kindergarten when the doorbell rang. A fine looking, tall man was at the door with a single Gerbera stem. ‘You don’t remember me, do you?’ he asked, and smiled. And then I recognized him as my one-time naughty kindergarten pupil. Later on, he came again and we had a great chat.”

You made the kids your allies...
“One girl in the kindergarten always acted like a little saint. She only ever did good things, she played nicely, sang, she was always around me. However, her mother complained that she was impossible at home. Then it came to us that in the kindergarten she had a great wish to conform and that is why she held herself back, but once she got home all hell broke loose.

“In other words, it is not always best when somebody behaves like a little angel in kindergarten, they can be a bit naughty, too.”

Did you ever come into conflict with a parent?
“One father put life’s simplest and most difficult question to me at a parent-teacher meeting when we were talking about how aggressive the children were: ‘Please tell me, then, are we bringing up sheep or wolves?’ I could hardly answer and stuttered something to the effect that: ‘We have to raise people who are able to empathize with others, while not allowing them to do harm.’ But the truth is that even today I do not know the appropriate answer, and in fact the question remains relevant. Where is the middle way? There isn’t, or it is tricky to locate.”

We all have both the sheep and the wolf inside us, whether we like it or not, we have to make something of it.

“Many psychologists consider that love is an inherent characteristic we are born with, but it is not true.

“The capacity for aggression, for example, is with us when we are born because it is a part of the instinct for life. In the best case, love is something we feel, experience, it feels good and we reciprocate. We learn to love, just as emotional intelligence and behavioural culture are characteristics we are not born with.  One should never say to a child ‘you are bad’ because he/she will believe this and identify with it – one can only say that what a child did was bad. That is why I send a child into the corner to think through why they cannot do this again. One should always give a reason for what the consequence will be of doing something.”

It would appear that your knowledge of child rearing psychology was ahead of its time.
“We were taught psychology on the kindergarten training course, whereas elsewhere, according to scientific socialist theory, they taught that the psyche does not exist. What a duality! They got rid of all religious education. One of the reasons I found it so difficult to collect relics of Hungarian kindergarten teaching later on was that during the Rákosi era it was decreed that all notes and vestiges of the past had to be burnt in the courtyards of kindergartens; or in the bigger towns and cities, for example, in Nyíregyháza, old visual aids, fairy tale and poetry books were taken by truck to the pulping plants. I only found documents from that time in the attics of kindergartens or at the bottom of cupboards of elderly kindergarten teachers because they wanted to preserve memories of their youth.

“I set up a local history-type kindergarten collection in Nyíregyháza, it was registered as a museum in 1992, furthermore it was given national scope because this was the only way to guarantee the widespread collection of material. In 1995 the Kindergarten Museum was relocated to Martonvásár, the favourite town of founder of Hungarian kindergartens, Therese Brunsvik.”

Why did you start collecting documents and artifacts on the history of kindergartens? Where did the idea come from?
“At that time I was head of the kindergarten on Körte Street in Nyíregyháza. The building was a century old, the ancient roof tiles were cracked and the roof leaked. I went up into the attic to look around with the roofing contractor and hidden under the rafters I came across a brown sack. In it were ten old kindergarten illustrative images and children’s poems of a Christian and patriotic nature written on flimsy paper. This drew my attention to the fact that we, too, had a history.

“The newspaper Kelet-Magyarország published a report that I was collecting artefacts of kindergarten history.

“What an astonishing apparent coincidence that a kindergarten teacher living in Buda saw my notice in the paper the cobbler had used to wrap up a pair of shoes the lady had sent to be repaired!

“She read it and then wrote to me offering her mother’s kindergarten-teaching and teacher’s diploma dating from 1879. Unfortunately, she had fixed the old document together with sticky tape, which was a big mistake. This is why I had to take it to the paper restoration department of the National Széchényi Library to have it repaired.”

Please tell us about a special moment in your collecting trips!
“A kindergarten teacher living in a small village close to Szeged had retired and she remembered that there were some Fröbel building blocks in a box in her woodshed. Anxiously, I travelled out there, told her why I had come, and the old lady brought out the box which was in fact full of Fröbel building blocks – she didn’t have the heart to burn those small cubes of wood. I took them home on the train in two huge bags. There are no coincidences, only God’s logic at work – I can only repeat this.”

Yours has been a very fertile woman’s life because fertility can be not only biological but spiritual as well.
“Many of my kindergarten pupils became my children, emotionally speaking. A few parents have noted that ‘our child gesticulates and articulates words in exactly the same way as Aunt Kati’. I look at it like God having given me many kindergarten children instead of my own.

How did your husband back you up?
“Tibor was an empathic person who radiated love and was deserving of being loved.

“I won’t say that we didn’t have differences of opinion but he always stood alongside and behind me, like a column to which one could hold steady.

“He joined me in painting 300 pumpkin seeds designed to help in counting, one side blue, the other red. When he saw how important my museum collecting work had become, he suggested that I spend my managerial supplement and bonuses on this project. He came out with me to Kisvárda when we had to bring back a huge tableau for the museum, it stuck out of the boot of the car and we had to tie a rag to the end. He also said that nobody else could have talked him into doing this...”

Did the fact that you are a practising Catholic ever cause you difficulties during socialism?
“They were not particularly happy about it. I went to the church in Nyíregyháza but I avoided attracting attention, hiding away in a dark corner close to the main entrance. One day, one of my kindergarten pupils was leaving the church with her mother and shouted out: ‘Hello, Aunt Kati!’ – thus my presence was immediately revealed.

“I was called into the office of the head of the education department and he said to me: ‘Comrade, decide whether you want to go to church or you want to be a kindergarten teacher!’

“I wanted to be a kindergarten teacher but I also wanted to remain true to my faith, which is why together with my husband we went to celebrate mass in neighbouring villages, Újfehértó and Rakamaz. They always wanted to get me, as director of the kindergarten, to join the party, but I was never a member of the party, neither then nor after the change of regime.”

I am very interested to know what your favourite fairy tale book is.
“In 1968 I read in instalments Éva Fésűs’s story book ‘All Ears’ to my senior groups. It has a nice morality, love and playfulness. My favourite book of poetry is Erzsi Gazdag’s ‘Fairy Tale Shop’. It is important that kindergarten pedagogues and teachers speak to a high standard because after the simple sentences of early childhood, children learn their first compound sentences and adjectival constructions in kindergarten.

“We shouldn’t lower ourselves to the ‘really brill’ level, rather we must be able to give the children at least five synonyms: marvellous, wonderful, excellent, fantastic, superb.”

Do you really think this stage of life is so critical?
“Kindergarten teaching provides the ‘raw ingredients’ for knowledge. Don’t shush children up when they ask questions, but answer them. I wrote a summary at the end of my 43-year-long professional career. In it I advise parents not to ‘give’ or ‘sacrifice’ time for their children, because there is something akin to martyrdom in this, but rather to ‘devote’ time to them. I asked parents to spend three full hours a day together with their children. This can include time spent carrying out work in the kitchen and having the children alongside so that it is possible to chat. And if from this, parents can spend just 20 minutes holding and stroking young children, paying attention only to them, talking only to them, then this will do much for the development of their personality. If they get used to this daily 20 minutes, half an hour conversation, then later on the child will not respond to the question ‘what happened today in school?’ with the reply ‘nothing’.”

What human attribute helped you most in your career?
“Empathy and humour. My parents brought me up so that I should not be ‘fiddler of the grey ones’ in any of my workplaces – I should always be looking for more, for better, that’s what I should aspire to.”

You are a mother of seven children. How did you go about explaining what happened at the EU climate summit to your children?
“Although we often talk about environmental protection and climate change, we don’t deal with current political issues at the dining table, thus this subject has not yet been aired. Our oldest child is 20, the youngest is five: two of the older ones are actively engaged with environmental protection as volunteers.”

You arrived for the interview after competing in an orienteering race. While you are running, do you at least think about those invasive, climate-dependent species such as the tiger mosquito and tick?
“For sure! The problem is that not only are ticks spreading, but the diseases they transmit as well. I’ve pursued this sport for decades, I’ve had countless tick bites, although last year was the first time I contracted Lyme disease, and my son as well. Nowadays, every second tick is infectious. A very great fellow athlete of mine nearly died from West Nile fever, even though as one of the best orienteerers in Hungary, his immune system is very strong.

“By 2025, Hungary will be the second most infected country in the EU in terms of West Nile fever – this is one of the prognoses of the European Environment Agency, which I knew well but never would have thought that this would concern me so closely!

“And this is just a foretaste of what is to come.”

Today, we are at warming of one degree. Why does a single degree matter?
“Measured against the age of the Industrial Revolution, globally this one degree is correct. In Hungary, currently we are looking at an average warming of 1.6 degrees compared to 1980.”

At exactly what level would we like to bring warming to a halt?
“At one and a half degrees – in terms of global warming, since the rise in the thermometer is not shared equally. The centres of continents, where Hungary is located, warm one and half to two times more than in coastal areas. In other words, in the long term we are worse off, even though luckily we have not yet experienced truly extreme weather phenomena.

“Many say: we’re going crazy over just one degree?! We are not even going to notice it! However, in Budapest over the past 15 years the number of heatwave days adds up to an entire month. Last year it was a real sensation if somebody swatted a tiger mosquito somewhere, and now they are in our gardens.

“Invasions of stink bugs and harlequin ladybirds were just unpleasant, but image if we have a plague of a species that destroys our entire year’s crops, or that is hazardous to our health. It is not a question of the human species being driven to extinction but rather that our civilization is in danger, because it is finely attuned to climate and even a small upset can spark a major disaster. Just remember that the supply of domestic potatoes had run out in January. Many were paying HUF 400 per kilo for cabbages, carrots, onions, but what will happen if we are absolutely incapable of growing those plants on which our entire diet and nutritional culture is based?”

In the meantime, the waiter has brought the lemonade, complete with drinking straw because we were not on the ball. Is it actually worth paying attention to such trivialities when the serious environment pollution is caused by flying?

“If everyone were to throw out just one plastic cup a day in Hungary, one could build out of these every single day a tower thirty times the height of the Mátra Mountains. People don’t even grasp that ‘many a little makes a mickle’. At the same time, undoubtedly there are also more serious issues when it comes to climate change.”

Many were shocked that at the most recent EU summit the Visegrád countries vetoed the net-zero emissions climate target for 2050, saying that the compensation conditions on commitments had not been properly worked out. Many view this decision as meaning that there is money for everything, just not for the protection of the future. How much room for manoeuvre do you think small countries have?
“I hope that this is not the final act. I am really confident that Hungary can stand at the head of climate protection in certain respects. Positioning within the EU may have played a role in our not undertaking net-zero emissions by 2050 this time. This is politics, so it is not in my remit. But the fact that the Hungarian electorate does not expect its politicians to take radical steps in the matter of climate change may also have played its part.

“Another reason may be that we didn’t tie our economy in the best direction when we committed ourselves to the auto industry, since those countries for which the traditional vehicle industry is important can easily become a hindrance for net-zero emissions, as Germany sometimes is. Europe lags behind China, Japan, South Korea, indeed it is also behind the USA in terms of electric car manufacturing, and we are not going to be able to make up for this shortfall.”

Would this be the reason that net-zero emissions by 2050 appear, as a target, impractical?
“It is not an easily fulfillable target, that’s certain. In Hungary, there are none of the necessary impact studies to show how this could be achieved, nor are there in most other parts of Europe. The IPCC has already drafted the relevant analyses. A large number of research centres have shown the many different ways it is possible to reach these targets, yet these studies remain at the global level and are not broken down to individual country level.

“Those countries that said yes to net-zero carbon emissions in all likelihood reached those decisions as a political ‘yes’ and not as a worked out, scientifically-based ‘yes’ underpinned with an economic plan. However, the entire Paris Accord is like this: the one and a half degrees as a limit that found its way into the final document was done when science didn’t even dare give this cut-off level. If any colleague of mine had stated such a thing at the time, he or she would have been branded a dreamer.”

So are you saying that this limit was added to the text of the accord by accident?
“No, it became a political goal because those small island nations who may find themselves submerged with warming of two degrees forced the world to face a moral decision. But at that time, we didn’t know whether it was worth fighting for one and a half degrees and what the different between one and a half and two degrees would be. This is why the climate summit asked the IPCC to draft the scientific report that was published last October and answer the following questions: is the target achievable or not, and if so, how can it be achieved and how much will it cost? Is it worth busting ourselves over half a degree?”

Please sum up what they concluded.
“The first and most important assertion is that it is worth making the effort, the train has still not left the station, global warming can be brought to a halt at around one and a half degrees. And there is a huge difference between one and a half and two degrees: for example, this half a degree doubles the number of those suffering from water shortages.

“Dozens of models have shown that warming can still be halted, and what is more, in many different ways so that in the meantime we don’t all have to return to the cave.

“Although every path assumes huge change, it transpires that we won’t be crippled even economically speaking. According to researchers, maintaining the one and a half degrees will cost seven percent of growth in consumption until the middle of the century. Until then, we expect global GDP growth of 300%, from which we would have had to devote this seven percent – we wouldn’t even notice it! Climate catastrophes take a lot more than this because, for example, the 2017 hurricane season cost four percent of the US’s GDP.”

At the end of May, there was a preparatory conference in Szeged for the ongoing Hungarian national climate report, which you were also involved in. The consultation was established under the aegis of the Ministry for Innovation and Technology headed by László Palkovics. What is the significance of this?
“Changes are so rapid that science is barely able to keep up with them. Research labs function in such isolation that there are enormous benefits and huge opportunities to be gained from connecting their work: a philosopher, an axiologist, an expert on drought and a climate physicist finally all sat down together at the same table. This allows us to be a little bit more scientific in establishing, on the one hand, what can be expected, and on the other hand, what we can do because there is still much to discover in this field. For example, there has not been any real research on what will happen in cities and how we can defend ourselves, but principally, how will we be able to shape the economy so that we even come out winners from the transformation.”

How could we be winners in the struggle against climate change?
“Nowhere in Europe is there such a boom in the building industry as here, and there are even more opportunities inherent in building restoration than in new builds. The whole of Europe suffers from having an outdated, energy-inefficient building stock. Upgrading buildings one by one is expensive and tricky. In the Netherlands they have already started getting organized in this area, but it is not too late to brainstorm about how it would be possible to categorize buildings, and come up with solutions, so that zero energy renewal could be resolved without the need to move residents out. From this point of view, upgrading tower blocks is easier. The only trouble is that a good many of them have already been renewed so as to achieve 20-30%, maximum 40% energy savings, which is problematic.

“Today, we know that when redeveloping pre-fabricated buildings it is possible to attain energy savings of 85%, indeed, a tower block can even become energy positive, that is, a sort of power station that generates more energy than it consumes.

“We were world beaters with the redevelopment of the Solanova housing estate in Dunaújváros. We showed that an ordinary prefabricated building is also capable of making energy savings of 85%, and to achieve this requires neither super-technologies nor does it cost gazillions. In Budapest’s XIII district, several energy efficient local government tenements have been built where the energy bills are just a couple of thousand forints a month. Where is the reduced utilities bill programme that could compete with this? The fact is that it is precisely those on the lowest incomes who find it most important to live in a passive house! I know of a company in Miskolc that markets zero energy semi-detached houses that are far from being luxurious. They are being snapped up while still on the drawing board.”

Let’s come back to the national report which is planned to be finalized by 2020: if this had been ready now, is it possible that we would have voted differently at the climate summit?
“I have great faith in science but even so I don’t think that it would have had such a big impact. We would have had to give up our dependency on oil, gas, coal by 2050. I’m not surprised that politicians are scared by this. But perhaps, if we work out at the level of Hungary how exactly this could be achieved, and perhaps show where the opportunities, the economic breakthroughs could be for Hungary, in which areas we could even play a leading role, for example, we are global leaders in certain water-related technological sectors, in other words,

if there was just such a report on the government’s desk, it is possible that it would be easier to take such a decision than to blindly sign off on such a commitment.

“At present, there is still not the scientific evidence on which to base such a decision at national level.”

Plenty of countries signed without any kind of scientific substantiation. After all, there won’t be any consequences if they are unable to meet their commitments – however, it sounds good that they committed themselves to climate protection.
“I reckon that elsewhere, too, they have started thinking in terms of national scenarios, but I believe we can consider as more a political declaration of intent that steps have to be taken towards a carbon neutral position. The migration that has already been observed is merely the precursor to that which will happen when entire countries are afflicted by desertification. In Syria between 2006 and 2010, 60% of arable land became infertile due to drought, as a consequence of which one and a half million people migrated to already overcrowded cities. This is obviously just adding oil to the fire.

“Unfortunately, there are plenty of other politically unstable regions where a climate change-related catastrophe can trigger other problems.”

We could also have made such a declaration bringing popularity and without any consequences – or perhaps not?
“These governments are not the ones implementing the commitment. The countries who now undertook to be carbon neutral by 2050 are those where, on the basis of European Parliament elections and in their preparatory work, the electorates made it crystal clear that for them, climate change is one of the most important questions. These governments know that their electorates expect them to take action on this issue. Here in Hungary, this was not a significant aspect in the course of elections and the campaign, so it would be tantamount to political suicide to have taken on such a massive undertaking that the electorate not only do not expect but perhaps are even scared of its consequences. The climate summit reflected what voters had asked of their elected politicians at the European Parliamentary election. Nor is it possible to say that there is no consequence from such an undertaking because if we do it, then it will be necessary to slightly adjust short-term energy plans to these new targets. I reckon that we don’t have to deduce far-reaching consequences from the fact that, fearing such radical change, we did not commit ourselves at this time.

“It is also important to recognize that those who are in a position to reach decisions today are, on the whole, older, and they believe that they are wealthy enough to protect themselves from those impacts that will come about within their lifetime.

“However, we are beginning to hear the voices of those young people who reckon that we are burning up their future.

“It is easy to make governments responsible for everything but industrialist decision-makers also have to calculate that sooner or later, the upcoming generation will vote with their wallets.”

“When I was a junior doctor, it had become accepted practice for parents to remain with their children in the hospital. Our former head of department, Dr. Magda Neuwirth, had been pressing for this much earlier, at a time when doors were closed in the face of relations with the message that their child’s spirit should not be disturbed with their presence. She soon overstepped the old, strictly observed visiting hours. In addition, she was enormously empathetic towards families in trouble, and we succeeded in learning this approach from her.

“Similarly to the oncology department, there are also chronically sick patients in paediatric neurology, so we are in constant contact with families. The leading illness is epilepsy, second place is taken by developmental disorders, while headaches are most common in the outpatient department.

“I don’t necessarily strive for friendly, but certainly empathic relations with families. All my fellow physicians and nurses think likewise. After all, paediatric neurology is a difficult field because in comparison with other departments, here the cure ratio is lower. Still, there are seven specialists at Bethesda and I can say we are all on really good terms with each other.”

I was struck by the thought that maybe the spirit of the child is somehow disturbed by the presence of the parents. And not by their absence?

“This is not so clear. In itself, the fact that a parent is in the hospital with his/her child is no problem. However, this presence can have negative effects as well. For example, there are relatives who try to interfere in the various stages of treatment, and I think it is understandable that this is disturbing for a doctor. But let’s look at this from a different perspective. If the doctors do something that is painful for a three-year-old child while the mother is present, the child can view this as the parent not doing anything to protect him/her.

“So, the parent’s presence is not always a blessing, yet we make every effort to encourage it, indeed these days we couldn’t even conceive of a children’s hospital without parents.

“It is a fact that there are difficult parents. But let’s not blame them, let’s rather say that there are difficult communication situations. The example set by Magda helps to this day. She was always able to enhance the positive qualities of parents whereas in a given stressful situation we are sometimes liable to think the worst of the given mother or father. After all, we are only human, too.”

If it transpires that the child has epilepsy, then in all likelihood the parents also need treatment emotionally. The broad range of reactions seems understandable.

“In the majority of cases this does not come out of the blue but is the conclusion of a lengthy process. It takes a long time before there is certainty from conjecture. I always try to emphasize the positive in what is otherwise bad news. For instance, if the newly diagnosed epilepsy is benign, because in all likelihood the child will grow out of it. If the news is not so good, then in general this is not apparent immediately. We try one drug, then another, if that does not have any outcome, we try a third... We experience the bad news in parallel with the parents. Much patience is required not only for the treatment but in communication as well.

“I have often seen how much the parents’ comprehension changes if they receive bad news. They cannot absorb the words.

“I say what epilepsy is, what mental disability is, but only a tenth of this is taken in. This becomes evident when, although I have said everything without using any Latin, in a clearly comprehensible way, still they ask eight questions about everything they have already heard. I look on this as a challenge: how can I talk to parents in a way that they understand and accept what they are hearing? Communication is a difficult yet wonderful part of the treatment.”

Is this taught at university?

“It is difficult to get across in the framework of lectures, rather it is possible to acquire experience in practice. At the beginning of my medical career, more than 20 years ago, I was able to take part in a three-month spiritual counselling course in America. Lectures in the morning, practical sessions in the afternoon. We visited patients, we sat with the dying, we spoke with families. It happened that once they brought in a critically injured person from a car accident. In just three minutes the traumatologist filled us in on what had happened and then left us to deal further with the relatives... In another case, relatives of a dying patient, who had not spoken to each other in ten years because of mutual disagreements, suddenly turned up. We knew they had just one or two hours and it was important to spend the time wisely. We worked with simple but effective methods.

“We stood in a circle, took each other’s hands and said a prayer, or we asked that everyone should recall a favourite memory about the dying family member. This was fantastic practice that I still utilize to this day.

“Although many of my colleagues have never participated in such practice, still they exhibit exemplary humanity towards their patients. I am eternally grateful that I can work with such people.”

How does empathy manifest itself in everyday situations?

“Let’s say we have a very sick patient whose mother or father is neurotic and difficult to handle. I could, in a completely understandable way, look at it like just another unbearable, hysterical parent whose outbursts are particularly difficult to react to in a good way. But I can also see it from the angle of how I would react if it happened to be one of my children who was so ill.

“In our department, the majority of visits are not the classical hospital visits when a group of white-coated doctors formally proceed from ward to ward, rather we sit down around a table and talk about the patients. Everyone goes to see their own patients daily, but there are only two ward visits a week. The roundtable discussions are extremely significant. On the one hand, we make a conscious effort to reinforce empathy in each other, that is, we talk over what we would do in such a situation, and on the other hand we analyse the cases professionally. But what is perhaps even more important than this is that everyone can freely state their opinion. We can ask each other to reconsider cases without causing friction. I prefer it if we colleagues are equal in status. Give or take a doctorate, I am well aware that I have far more experienced colleagues than myself. To a certain extent this is our mission, too, that resident doctors who come to us see an example of collegial relations, because we know that this is the way to work together.”

What sense of achievement is there in the department?

“Obviously, the real sense of success comes with a complete cure, but every small step brings joy. If instead of 20 seizures a day we see only three, then this is a great thing. Another success story is if I can establish that there is no real problem with a child. Furthermore, that a half of young patients grow out of epilepsy. But there can also be beauty in those stories where we have not been able to cure somebody. We know of one family with seven children, where the sixth is seriously disabled due to a genetic disease. I have seen how this child is surrounded by boundless love. It is not difficult to love a sick child. But to see how this small being brings the entire family together is an important source of inspiration for me.

“A sick child is a catalyser: if the family is fractured, then it speeds up the fracturing, if it is harmonic, then it brings them together even more.

“I have seen this as well, I look on this as a success, too. The death of a child is unimaginably difficult to process, and yet I feel that the greatest trial of strength is when a family has to care for a seriously ill child 24 hours a day for decades, and in a way that, rationally speaking, the parents wake up every single day to a hopeless situation. There are different degrees of handicap. I see cases where, through a normal human eye, there is nothing attractive in a young patient, and yet the parents can love him/her very much. This gives strength and engenders respect. At the end of a working day I go home to my healthy family, but they have to remain with their sick children 24/7.”

At home as well, you and your family have taken on a big task because you adopted a child.

“Ten years ago we had five children, and God planted the desire in us for another, although things worked out slightly differently. Niki came to us when she was ten, as our sixth child. She had lost her parents in a fire. She came to us for rehabilitation, although she herself had not been injured in the fire, just that at that time there was nowhere for her to go. Nobody visited her, she had no relatives. I told my wife, Virág, a lot about her. We knew that at ten years of age, nobody would be fighting to adopt her, and that she would go into a state home. One day, we just looked at each other and said: why don’t we adopt her? After this, during hospital voluntary charitable service our children also got to know her. Finally, it worked out so that our children also agreed that we should adopt her.

“It was tough for Niki to begin with, but after six months she was calling us mum and dad. She had never gone to school up to the age of ten, she had never been read a fairy tale, she had lived in insecurity and now she is good at basketball, she goes skiing and she takes her school-leaving exams this academic year.

“At the beginning, fantastically warm-hearted teachers at a run-down church primary school agreed to get her up to speed, and they did such a great job that we took our three youngest out of an elite dual language grammar school and moved them there. Smaller classes, more attention – that worked. Niki is our truly dependable child who has fully integrated into the family.” 

– Is a good art dealer fond of searching for clues?
– Absolutely! For us, art dealing business is not just work, it is rather a profession and a hobby, at the same time. As a result, our whole life is permeated by the idea that objects have stories.

– And so do houses! How did the old villa on the Naphegy ('Sun Hill') become a home for a family of art dealers?
– One day I got a call from one of my nice clients from abroad. He was looking for a French-style mansion near Lake Balaton. After months of searching, my long-time friend, a real estate agent recommended us a lovely villa – not in Somogy county near Lake Balaton, but on Naphegy (Sun Hill in Budapest). Although we always longed for living on Naphegy we never thought of ever having an opportunity to buy a flat there, let alone a house. When we went to see the villa, it was so overgrown with weeds that it couldn't be seen from the street. It was like Sleeping Beauty – almost unnoticeable. We wondered what story this house would tell us if it could speak.

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Korani Eleni

– And suddenly, there was the clue you were searching for, right?
– Yes. The house turned out to be a locally protected monument. Such a monument always has a plaque with the architect's name, the construction year and the name of the client. The plaque on the wall said that the villa was built by a certain Tibor Kocsis for Lady Sidy Gell in 1942. We checked all these data but, strangely, we didn't find anything about them. There was this posh residence but it seemed that these people didn't even exist!

– But art dealers don't give up searching so easily, do they?
– No! The mystery made us even more curious! We looked through all relevant architecture books in our library and in museums but we had found no architect called Tibor Kocsis. However, we found out about a certain TIVADAR Kocsis who was one of the popular architects of the Horthy-era. He built countless villas in the neighbourhood and around Vérhalom tér. We have learned from the documents we found that the request for the building permit was submitted by Szidónia Gell in 1941.

Immediately my husband and I asked: who was the optimist person to start building a residence in the middle of the war?

We contacted a historian who found out, after a year, that Sidy had been a nearly 70-year-old lady who had neither a husband, nor children. It seemed strange for a single woman to have such a large house built at that time so we had extended the research to the family members, too. We learned that Szidónia had a sister, about 50 years old, who had also lived on Naphegy with her husband. After the war ended all three of them left Hungary together. First they went to Zurich, then they sailed from Poland to New York on first class, then, half a year later, they went to Brazil. In parallel, we also researched the history of the house and we found a note from 1945 saying that the villa had been hit by a bomb and had become uninhabitable. This cannot be true because we had the house demolished to bricks and not a single bullet mark was explored.

We have found only misspelling, mistakes and strange coincidences while searching in the past of the family and the villa. But objects don't lie!

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Photo: Façade drawing of the villa – The Picture is owned by the Wastl-Korani family

‒ Is it another strange coincidence that you had discovered Raoul Wallenberg's name while searching the story of the villa?
‒ Actually, yes! Usually we don't use the internet to search after works of art because information on the world wide web is not reliable. Yet, one day my husband entered our own address in the search engine at random. He found a document on a Swedish homepage with nothing less than our address with the note next to it: 'R. W. hiding place'. That is, the place where Wallenberg used to hide people.

‒  But this does not necessarily mean that Wallenberg did really hide Jews in this place.
‒  As we went on searching we found more evidence. The first book I could buy provided a stupendous suprise. It is a comprehensive autobiography novel published a few years ago in which I found the unquestionable evidence: In 1989 Russia agreed with Sweden about the clarification of Wallenberg's fate and Russia handed over his valuables, passport and diary confiscated when he had been imprisoned.

The book contained a photocopy of the admission form to the Lubyanka KGB prison in Moscow on 19 January 1945 . The form states clearly that Wallenberg gave the villa on Naphegy as his address at that time.

The other evidence is a book written after the war. After it became clear in 1945 that Wallenberg had gone missing and no one knew what had happened to him, journalist Jenő Lévai wanted to record all that Wallenberg did for Jews in Budapest . He interviewed those in direct relationship with him. Ever since, this book has served as  the source for every research about Raoul Wallenberg. Being a samizdat edition it was really difficult to get. There are just a few copies of it. Lévai mentions our house in the book several times.   

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Photo: The film 'Evergreen in black and white' from 1974 contains a long scene showing both the exterior and the interior of the house

‒ What did he write about the villa?
‒ There is a very touching story described accurately. The wife of a Jewish official working for the embassy gave birth to her baby in this house 'amid terrible cannon fire' at 7 o'clock in the morning on 4 November 1944. The head of the obstetrics of János Hospital, dr. Béla Kende, himself a persecuted Jew, was about to deliver the baby - where else? On an office table in the Swedish consulate in Tigris street. Hearing this, Wallenberg immediately offered his own house in the neighbouring street.

The little girl was born upstairs in the villa. Wallenberg was the godfather and she was baptized Maria after two close female relatives.

After the childbirth, Wallenberg offered the exhausted doctor his own room for the night. The doctor recalled that morning as follows:

'I stayed in the room next to the mother who had given birth for the night at her request. The next morning the father turned to me asking for some warm water for his wife... I went down the stairs into the kitchen, through the hall... I saw Wallenberg sleeping on a sofa in the cold hall, dressed up completely, wrapped in his overcoat, while we were comfortably settled in his suite.'

The layout of the house is just like it was then.

– Nowadays high-tech homes are fashionable. They are status symbols of the 21st century. Didn't you remodel the villa according to this trend?
– We are not interested in spectacular and trendy status symbols but real values. We have received a special house from life with a special story. A story whose threads have been disarranged, perhaps intentionally. The villa was nationalized in 1955 and it housed an organization close to the political system of the time. But, having survived the stormy decades, it stands here, 'waiting' perhaps just for us to give it back its old splendor. It is not without importance, either, that it is inhabited by a family again. This is a gift, and that's exactly why we feel obliged to explore everything in connection with the villa.

– Do you mean the building where Wallenberg once saved Jews has not changed practically at all and that and anyone who enters will feels like in a museum?
– Definiely not! And we are proud of this! We moved in with our 21st-century equipment and shaped everything to be fit for a modern family.

At the same time we can live together with the past of the house. We don't change its character.

For example, modern technology would have enabled us to install LED display switches and remote control shades. Some people have swimming pools built downstairs next to their garages just because it is fashionable. In contrast, we prefer to switch on the lights from floor to floor separately and we don't have a swimming pool either. This is our way of showing our respect for the house.

Photo: The film 'Evergreen in black and white' from 1974 contains a long scene showing both the exterior and the interior of the house

– In addition to respect I feel a strong love in your voice when you speak about the house. I guess the villa speaks not only about the past of Raoul Wallenberg, but also about the present of the Wastl-Korani family?
– This villa is our home and our business card at the same time. It is a work of art that perfectly presents what we art dealers and experts can achieve.

Anyone who enters can immediately see how we think about the world and what type of people we are. And the house represents the whole 20th century perfectly.

Just think about how many times the mirror on the wall for decades was broken. Yet, there was always someone who took the trouble to repair it again and again. We will not break this continuity, we will not throw the mirror out.

– Am I correct in assuming that the exploration and restoration of the house is just a small segment of a greater mission?
– Yes, you are! With my husband Ernst we have always been trying to set a good example. We believe that nothing disappears forever. You have to reconstruct values and live by them, too!

– You mentioned setting a good example. You have two little children. After my little daughter just tried to draw her first Kandinsky-reproduction on the wall in crayon, the question arises in me: how do little children and works of art get on in a house of such historic importance?
‒ Oh, the future generation can get on very well with the objects of the past. Our children haven't scribbled or broken anything. This house is important for them too, which makes us extremely proud. When my daughter was fourteen years old she was shown round by our friends in San Francisco. While driving around she saw a school named after Wallenberg. She stopped the others and spoke proudly to the American students who Wallenberg was, how he was rescuing Jews in Hungary and why all this is important to our family. Our friends' kids were also listening to the story. This is fantastic because I believe that information is like a seed: if you take the effort to plant it, later on an idea will grow from it like a flower. This is why it is so important to research the past, talk a lot about the discovered values and pass them on to future generations.

Raoul Wallenberg was a Swedish architect, businessman and diplomat. As a foreign trade delegate he had also established Hungarian connections. He first came to Hungary in 1942. As the mass deportations of Jews began from Hungary he immediately responded to the request of the Swedish government and the American War Refugee Board. As secretary at the Swedish embassy he took part in countless rescue actions. Several times he defended the persecuted personally, not once risking even his own life. He wrote reports about the deportations. In January 1945 he left for Debrecen and from then on there was no track of him. His fate after 1945 is unknown. According to the official Soviet position he had died in a Moscow prison in 1947. He was claimed to have been seen later on in various camps of Gulag.

“I really need the 90 minutes driving between Almádi, or more precisely Vörösberény, and Budapest. There’s no bustle around me, I have time to consider the day and my important matters,” says Mónika in the car while driving from the railway station to their home. We move from the spacious living room into the back garden where we settle in the comfy terrace tucked away from the street. Miklós starts their shared story, which begins at the JATE club on a sociology course in Szeged.

Miklós: “She was humanities, I was law. Later, professor Katona romantically put it like this: love started as they bent over the notes. Of course, life is not only about romance; if a person wants to achieve something, the task must be determined precisely. When I met my wife I saw: this woman is absolutely great, she looks attractive, she is reliable and very smart. I began to believe that she could be the mother of my children, I began to weigh up what God could ask of me, we defined the framework in which our common mission could be realized. Of course, a person thinks through decisions rationally but does not necessarily finalize them rationally.”

When you were planning, did you have in mind a large family?

Mónika: “Right from the first moment we knew we wanted four children.”

Miklós: “I had two siblings, but Mónika was an only child.”

So you needed courage for this…

Miklós: “My wife is an extremely courageous woman.”

Mónika: “When a person lives in a family as a well brought-up little girl all by herself, everything is predictable, organized, perhaps a little boring. This also means that if one has to go somewhere at 5 o’clock, then at five there is no need to be chasing two other family members around the house. At the beginning I didn’t understand this, I was highly inflexible. Today, I accept that Udvarhelyi timekeeping must be interpreted with a little slippage. But for a long time I had a sense of shame that we were late for everything.”

How did the plans for four children impact on Mónika’s professional concepts? In fact, how did you even go into science?

Mónika: I graduated in the communication class that started before the passage of the first media law. We hadn’t yet envisaged our future in tabloid media. In the happiness of the years after the change of regime we were thinking in terms of public service investigative journalism, a BBC-type model. It is no coincidence that of those couple of years very few of us stayed in the profession since I, too, was unable to identify with the opportunities outlined by the commercial channels. We prepared for a classic, gatekeeper role watching over authority – of course, looking back there was something naïve in this, but we had just come out of a dictatorial system.

“When I started my career, I also saw that it was not possible to do this profession with a big family, and I preferred to have a big family rather than a career in journalism or TV. In the meantime, I saw how much more there was in media and communication science than what we had learned with regard to journalism. When I graduated, this was exactly when Özséb Horányi launched the doctoral course, which is how I could continue at Pécs without missing a year.”

Did you plan to do your scientific work at home as well, for example at night when the children slept?

Mónika: “No. It is an interesting biological problem that I have an iron deficiency so I go to bed latest at 9.30 pm.”

Miklós: “On the other hand, I don’t have iron deficiency…”

Mónika: “He can stay up until two in the morning. This is why it is difficult for us to organize evening programmes. I think most parents with young children will be disappointed when they plan that they will work when the children are sleeping because they will also be exhausted by then. Once, while I was washing and hanging up curtains, when the older children were two or three years old, it came to me that I would never have more time. Either I manage what I can from the time available or my dreams must be let go. Very many women, as I am, too, are mother hen-type mothers…”

Miklós: “But that’s why I married you!” (laughs)

Mónika: “Miklós had to virtually prise me out of the mother role in which I lived and enjoyed in order to start on a career.”

Miklós: “We had plans but we didn’t plan everything ahead although we never wanted to subordinate the concepts of the other to our own dream. I studied abroad doing half-terms.”

It cannot have been easy to stay at home with young children.

Mónika: “It’s not so easy. The whole rearing of children is not easy. At the university, I got used to writing a paper and then I had the result and feedback. At the beginning, it was shocking that with bringing up children the feedback comes 5-10 years later. My girlfriend said that at the beginning one is simply pleased to keep just their metabolism in order.

“Naturally I had moments of despair. There was very little age difference between the first two children, I couldn’t imagine what the older one was doing while I bathed the smaller one. However, this feeling of ‘how bad, how difficult this is for me now’ very easily becomes a spiral that pulls one down. Miklós is very good at sensing all this from non-verbal signals and he can immediately drag me back. Because, of course, just like the majority of women, I also sulked and wouldn’t say what my problem was, I was waiting for him to find out. He taught me to name these and it is very important that he never swept these aside as minor annoyances not worth dealing with.”

Did you always trust each other when you were parted?

Mónika: “Before we got married, Miklós lived in Finland and once a woman from Finland turned up. Then I understood why, although he travelled a lot and took me to several places, he didn’t take me there. Or for example, he was walking through the streets in Italy sighing Marietta, Marietta… But we talked this over with a good deal of humour. Obviously, in women there is always this little devil on the shoulder whispering that while I am here in the evening putting the children to bed, who knows what he was doing… Of course, if you are unsettled you can ask, but we never went beyond the critical level of suspicion.”

Miklós: “We have a friend who travelled to London on business but came back suspiciously tanned. In our relationships there is a good degree of freedom, there is no constant control, we don’t call each other every hour checking up.”

Mónika: “It is also worth watching how a man reacts to attractive women in the immediate environment because that says a lot about a relationship. For us, it helps a lot that we are genuinely pleased for each other’s success, even if that means a lot of travel. Miklós gives me impetus, which needs…”

Miklós: “…a lot of iron…”

Mónika: “…yes, that too, and that he should know me and see my objectives because he can assess situations, chances better from outside. Sometimes a person is not satisfied with him/herself and women are anyway more critical of themselves.”

Isn’t this the courage of a kibitzer?

Mónika: “He is not a kibitzer in my life but rather a manager who gives impetus at the right time because he always helps. When, for example, before flying I imagine the airport at Kuala Lumpur and, as I wander about, that I will be dragged into a sheik’s harem – if not as a wife because I’m not that young any more, but as a nanny – all he said was that I should know that these days many girls depart, for example to Dubai, and they all arrive safely. When the children are young it is obvious that the husband can travel and work more, but there is an unspoken vow that the wife’s moment will also come. That we will create the opportunity for the wife’s vocation and success as well, but many marriages cannot wait for that time.”

Miklós: “If we are alone, we worry, if we are not alone, we do not worry, then frequently we worry if we are not alone, but still the range of tasks is the same and the frames do not change. If one bears all this in mind, then one cannot go far wrong.”

You have worked all this out as a relationship between two contracting partners.

Miklós: “I knew that if we had a joint task in life, it was my obligation to constantly pay attention to my partner’s happiness. To the fact that she is happy today and tomorrow as well, even if something different is needed tomorrow than today.”

Mónika: “It is true, Miklós asks me every other day whether I am happy, if not always using these words. When he does, I can tell him even the smallest problems, for example, that the coffee machine has broken down and it needs repairing, and I also speak of anything that makes me deeply anxious.”

Miklós: “It was clear from the first minute that one has to step up to the plate first and not wait for the other. One has to take into account one’s own responsibilities first.”

Is there room for romance in all this?

Mónika: “We are both extremely busy so sometimes we meet in hotels and restaurants. When I say that my husband is also arriving, a shadow of a smile flits across the face of the receptionist. These little winks bring the vigour of youth back into our relationship.”

With the Balaton so close, are you on holiday all summer?

Mónika: Rather we have people who come for holidays. My girlfriend often jokes that ‘we popped in for a glass of water because we are so hungry that we don’t even know where we’ll sleep.’ But we do it with enormous pleasure. Friends of the kids also spend a lot of time with us.”

Miklós: “Let’s add that we had a comfortable and good life in the past 10-11 years and we enjoy a relatively high degree of freedom in our work. I don’t know how all this would work under pressure, with compromises and serious emotional stress.”

Head of department and attorney-entrepreneurial work involves a significant degree of stress. Is there some other secret to this?

Mónika: “I am very grateful that I have been able to go to all my male bosses telling them that I am pregnant and never once did I fear I would lose my job because of it. Women are able to judge the level in a career that can be sustained only in such a way that not only is work taken home, but tension as well. I know exactly what I am not prepared to accept because it would be to the detriment of the family.

“Taking responsibility is very strongly apparent in Miklós’s character. When he was 35, I selected a quotation for him that Márai had written to his father. His soul held the family together like a tree with lush foliage holds birds. Despite his absences, Miklós is very much apparent in the life of the children, sometimes even too much because he is the stricter, more accountable parent of the two of us.”

Miklós: “It is important to know when I am too much and then I have to stop and leave.”

Mónika: “Just as we conclude our arguments very quickly emotionally and we can talk about problems rationally. Our aim is not to overcome, hurt the other, but to solve the problem.”

Miklós: “I learnt this in business life.”

Mónika: “At the same time, if one of the partners is very business oriented and learns successful, but slightly aggressive business communication, it has to be left at the door and must not be brought into the family. In this, Miklós is very good.”

Miklós: “We can take off all armour, protective equipment in the family, and we don’t have to fear anything. The greatest magician also needs this; family must be made so that trust has fertile ground in which to grow. And another important thing we have not yet spoken about: the solution of a single relationship task requires a person to look deep into him/herself and pray for help alongside the intention.”

Mónika: “What else derives from our faith and can be very progressive in relationships: in our relationship, it cannot happen that we blame somebody for something over many years. We do not hold grudges. We also learnt that we must apologize as soon as possible, we don’t drag the other partner into mind games. We have been married for 20 years, life places new problems in front of us all the time, but we are not even half way through, at least we hope so.”