“I was an altar boy in the morning and a thief in the afternoon” – The testimony of a Franciscan monk

When did you first feel the desire to become a monk?

My family was not very religious, but I have always been interested, even as a small child, in what we are doing here on earth, what the meaning of life is, and what is beyond this life on Earth. At school, I took up religious education classes as soon as I could, and there I finally got my questions answered, sometimes giving really hard times to the teachers. Later on, I started going to church and took my first communion. I was also called to be an altar boy, and I was honored because through that I could serve the God who made me. At the age of 14, I saw the film Francesco on TV, about the life of St Francis of Assisi, starring Mickey Rourke. I was so captivated by the saint's example that by the end of the film I had a burning desire to follow the Lord as he did. I began to watch the Franciscan monks in our church, comparing them to the characters in the film, and I was often disappointed. But this did not discourage me, it encouraged me to show how you really should follow Christ in the example of St Francis. I also made it clear that I would become a Franciscan monk, even if I was a bad child now.

Why? What kind of a child were you?

I knowingly did the wrong thing and manipulated the people around me. I always sensed people’s weaknesses and enjoyed having power over them. At school, I regularly made my sister and classmates do my homework for me.

I once organized the robbery of the chemistry equipment room. I got into a lot of fights with three or four kids at the same time. Even if I got beaten up, I felt like a hero, because in action movies the protagonists fight several enemies simultaneously.

I also deliberately made my teachers freak out, sabotaging their lessons. I was referred to the Principal’s office several times, I was always on the edge. When I felt I was about to be expelled, I applied to different academic competitions. I did well on them so I was allowed stay. I had two selves: a church-going one and an ordinary one. While I was in church, I acted like an angel. As soon as I left, I started to get rowdy, and on Sunday afternoon I was looting the nearby construction site. I also used to break into the nearby bus garage, where I stole phones and car radios, sold them, and used the money to buy throwing and butterfly knives. At the age of 14, I was arrested by the police, I got two years suspended for burglary. Despite all this, I still had the desire to be good and to serve God as a Franciscan friar. I thought I could change if I wanted to, but until then I still have time to try a couple of things. Then at college as a computer science major, all I could think of was having fun. I only studied what I was interested in, so after two years I dropped out. I started working for a real estate company, it was great, I enjoyed making good money. Then the recession came and I felt it was time for me to go. I went to England.

What about your other self during this period?

I had a very intense experience with God before graduation. My parents divorced when I was five. My mother worked multiple jobs throughout my childhood to support us. One day she came home and couldn't get up, work, or eat anymore. We had to darken the house completely because she couldn't stand the light or the noise. At that time I didn't know much about how serious an illness depression was, and I was busy with my own world. One day she disappeared, leaving a suicide note: she was very ashamed that she couldn't support us. She thought it would be better for us if she died because then we would get some orphans’ benefits. We looked for her all night with the parish priest and the kids from church, but we couldn't find her. The next day I got on my bike again, I had a strong feeling, and I went to a nearby park, where I suddenly saw my mother, battered, muddy all skin and bones.

She failed to commit suicide, she was so drugged up she couldn't slit her wrists. I dropped the bike, ran over, and hugged her.

Immediately, the story of the Prodigal Son came to my mind from the Bible: the merciful Father runs to his son, asks no questions just is glad that he’s alive. This encounter completely changed my image of God: the Father loves his child as he is, not only when he is good and obeys the rules.

Despite all this, in my early twenties, I slowly lost my faith, I no longer felt the presence of God as I had before. I continued to go to mass, to serve at the altar, but I felt a great bleakness and darkness inside, I fell into a deep depression, and I even contemplated suicide. I questioned the existence of God and even my own. I began to read Greek philosophers and the doctrines of other world religions. After much research, I realized that the truth was somewhere in the Catholic Church and that God must exist. But at that time I had not yet regained my faith, but I wanted to believe. I often retreated into nature for reflection, and there I experienced once again the infinite love of God, which lifted me out of the pit, and the idea of monasticism came back to me. I went to England not only for the adventure and to learn a language but to clarify this question for myself.

Image

Photo: Botond DH

What did you find out in England?

Even though I was making a lot of money as a waiter in a five-star hotel and could afford the most high-tech electronic devices, designer clothes, or perfume, all of these only gave me pleasure for a couple of hours, I couldn't find my place. I felt a growing desire to give myself completely to God.

I gave my notice in the spring, even though I was up for promotion and a pay rise, and contacted the Franciscans to start my postulancy program in September.

In the summer I came home to fulfill some of my dreams before I entered the order, and the following were on my list: laser eye surgery, military survival camp, tandem skydiving jump, and rock climbing course. For reasons beyond my control, I ended up doing only the last one. In the meantime, I found out that my application had been mislaid, so I would only be expected the following year – I was informed about all these by a pastoral counselor. I was outraged that I had wound up my entire life, moved back home, and was not even being received by the Provincial Minister. I sneaked into the library of the monastery in Zalaegerszeg and found the phone number of the provincial at the time, called him and I ended up having a very serious argument with him. Several people must have interceded on my behalf because at the end of the summer he called me to say that I could go from September. But I said I was not to be tossed around as that and I had already planned to go back to England and come back next year. We made a deal: I would go to serve with Father Balázs Barsi in Sümeg for a few months to prove that I was serious about the monastic life, and only then would I go back to England. Later my mother fell into a deep depression again, so I came home earlier to take over her care from my sister. Again I asked the provincial governor for a postponement, although this time for only two months but he did not grant it. So I had to wait another year. After my mother got better, I went to work for the telephone company ‘Telekom’. When I gave notice saying that I was going to be a monk, they were shocked, they had never seen anyone quit for such a reason.

How did you manage to get rid of your old self?

Once I started my postulancy program, I was very disappointed in myself. I had to realize that the faults I had previously discovered in Franciscan friars were also present in me and that I was very far from my Franciscan ideal. I often vexed and humiliated my fellow postulant, who irritated me a lot. I found it difficult to obey, to ask permission or money for anything. I was annoyed that someone else was scheduling my day, so I cheated the system wherever I could. For example, I once ordered a very expensive coat from my old bank account in England. I timed the delivery so that my counselor would not be there when it arrived. At the end of my postulancy, I asked myself if it was a good idea for me to be there, or if I was not dishonoring the Franciscans. I began my probationary year with the hope that I might change. In that year of silence, completely cut off from the world - no TV, no phone, no internet, no contact with my family except by letter - I managed to cleanse myself of my past. I realized that I could not change by my own strength, as I had always wanted to, but only by letting God into my life because only He could transform me.

I literally experienced God taking my heart of stone and giving me a heart of flesh instead.

Did you have any temptations after that?

Once I started to live according to my vows every day, I realized how many things I had to give up. In my first year as a novice, I fell in love with a girl in our church in Pasarét. I didn't tell anyone, I just prayed a lot, and I had the deep, reassuring realization that my heart still belongs to God above all else. I told the girl that we should never meet again because my calling was to be a monk, even though I had fallen in love. Then came the painful realization that I would never have children of my own.

Instead of your own, you got hundreds of other kids. For years, you were the leader of the altar boys and the church’s youth groups in Pasarét, and recently you were appointed pastoral director of the St. Angela's School. Whenever I see you, there are always two-three kids around you.

I feel like God put a magnet inside me to attract them. When I go down to the school canteen, the children shout and run to me, clinging to me. The teachers try to discipline them, but I just goof around and laugh with them. Being a rebel myself, I can easily understand them, even the difficult ones. When I take them on a weekend trip, I feel like a family man. I feel it is God’s grace that I have so many children around me and I am grateful to Him that I can convey so much good despite my past and my weaknesses.

It is also important in today's society, which suffers from the lack of male role models, for the kids to see men who are committed to someone or something because today's young people find it difficult to do so and even harder to stick with it.

Image

Photo: Barnabás Moldoványi

As a rebel, do you still find it difficult to obey?

I have completely settled into the monastic life, I do my best to live this life as nicely and well as possible, that's why I took my final vows two years ago. We follow St. Francis’s concept that we can do whatever we want to as long as we serve the Gospel, so thus we can all be fulfilled. I can do the things that interest me, organize pyrotechnics shows, and flash mobs, take the kids on excursions, and play laser tag, or go-kart. My fellow friars always teas me that I organize these activities for myself. My rebellion today is mostly against mainstream thinking. While others desire power, position, or wealth, and while everything is about sex, I choose purity, poverty, and obedience of my own free will.

Why do you think your path has been so difficult?

Maybe others would have given up sooner, but that's what motivated me. But it's not necessarily easier for someone who applies straight after graduation and gets accepted into the order. I have the advantage of being familiar with what the world is like, I've done a variety of jobs, I know the weight of money and I know how to budget. But to grow into monastic life, I had to become a child again, to learn what it is like to rely on God rather than on the strength I thought I had.