Becoming a father in a single minute – "I gave up my high-paying job, European travels, and my life as a cool, single man for a baby"

István is a bearish-looking man with a strong brown beard and a tattoo on his arm carrying a two-and-a-half-year-old boy called Timoti.

Did you think about adoption before this little one came into your life?

Yes, but they were only vague thoughts, but fate decided that if I didn't move first, she would... I loved living abroad, I was happy in my little world, and I didn't feel ready to have children. But I knew I wanted to be a father one day. When my nephew's parents divorced, I remained a father figure for him, I was involved in his life from abroad, I helped him financially, and I followed his life. This thread was important to me.

What was your life like before you had the baby?

I am a CNC bender, using a microcomputer-controlled machine tool, a sought-after, marketable skill. From 2014 I lived in Austria, Germany, the Netherlands, and Finland for eight years. I loved living in all of those countries; I was accepted and recognized for my skills. I got to the point where I was free to choose where I worked, how much I was paid, and what accommodation I lived in. In many places it's a project-based job, so when a company stopped working on a project, I moved on, changed cities, and countries, and got to know a new climate, and new people. Finland was my favourite, because although the conditions there were very simple, the forest, and the pine trees were just a stone's throw away... I had long-lasting relationships, but it didn’t help that I had to travel a lot, or that I had to send part of my salary home to my nephew. His mother didn't earn enough to keep up a mortgaged house.

Despite this, I was carefree, free, well-off, and had a successful international career. I loved the fact that I could be at the top of my list.

Which country were you in when you found out your nephew had become a father?

I was in Germany at the time. My nephew had left school for a girl at the time, and although they were both just over 18, the baby 'checked in'. Even during the pregnancy, there were many signs that they would not be able to cope. The mother complained of self-harming thoughts at pregnancy examinations, and they were soon on the radar of the child protection system. The Family Support Service gave the mother increasingly strict terms and conditions and by the time the baby was four months old, she had to phone the Service every day. By then I had taken my nephew to work with me in Germany, teaching him my trade so that he could support his family. One morning, my phone rang, the police called me from Hungary, saying they couldn't reach my mother. They were worried about the baby, so they finally entered the property and found the mother with the four-month-old baby. They were asleep in the double bed, the mum hadn't heard the siren... We immediately left Germany, put all our stuff in the car, and travelled all day. On the way we talked about the scenery, not a word about the alarming events we had been hearing about for some time.

It seems a drastic step to quit your job, pack your bags, leave your home, and completely close down that part of your life.

Family Support invited me to the case conference to explore the problem, and it wasn't a question that I had to be there. There we learned that the mother was mentally unfit to raise the child and therefore he was being removed from the family. The question was then raised as to whether someone from the family would take him in or whether he should be placed in an orphanage.

I knew that I would have to give up my whole life if I came forward, I was overwhelmed and my heart started to race, but suddenly I said: I'm taking him home.

I am a realistic person, but at the time I was guided by my feelings, I said yes almost before I thought about it. In five minutes I became a father, although I didn't want to, not even the Virgin Mary was so unprepared for the coming of baby Jesus. Timoti was four and a half months old at the time, and I went home with him without knowing what size diaper he was using. At first, my godmother helped me, but the sore bottom, the teething, and the hospitalization due to asthma took their toll on me too. It was only supposed to be a few months. Both the baby's grandmother and my own mother advised us to give the baby up for adoption because it wouldn't work, but I was hooked by then. I couldn't bear not to see him, not to hold him.

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Photos: István

All of a sudden you find yourself with a five-month-old baby. How was your first night?

Getting up at night was a new experience, the intermittent sleeping, bathing a poopy baby at night... Changing diapers, bathing, lulling, feeding, everything was new but I did it on instinct.

How did the baby take it when a big man with a stubbly chin just took over from an 18-year-old girl?

Timoti loved me from the first moment he met me and grinned at me with his mouth full. It was me who chose his name when he was born. However, after a few months, we had to move out of my godmother's house because she was collapsing under the weight of what had happened. Eventually, the family services told me I could choose to move into a Family Transition Home, find a flat to rent, or have the child removed from the family. I didn't want to let Timoti down, so we got out of the situation by renting a small apartment in Vaja, a town of barely a few thousand people. It took two days to decide and move, and here in Vaja, we finally have our own little life together. In Jászberény, Timoti was already in daycare and I had a job, but here I had to start looking for a job all over again. It was not easy to get my employer to accept that I was raising a small child on my own, that I would have to take sick leave from time to time, and that I could not work three shifts.

I never thought in my life that life with a baby could be so difficult, hats off to the women!

Do you think that your life will be like this?

In our two years together we have grown together and I am everything to Timoti. If he were taken away from me, I'd have my life back, but it wouldn't be good for him. If I knew he was going to a place where he would be loved and cared for, I might be able to reconcile with that, but there is no such place. In the meantime, I have become a father, and it overrides all my rational consideration that no matter how many rituals I use to put him to sleep in his own bed, he will appear at night, crawl into my bed, and cuddle my neck. All the difficulties disappear when he starts saying, "Daddy!" I was the first to see him get up and walk, and I heard his first words. These are things that are not rational, but they work.

What are your plans for the long run?

I hope to get a job abroad and take my little boy with me. It's hard because in my profession it's hard to find a job with only day shifts. So far, my experience here in Hungary is that although employers are impressed with my skills and experience, as soon as they find out that I have a kid at home, they back out.

For me, the biggest help right now would be a secure job.

I think, maybe a mother can best understand what the difficulty is for me in being pretty much cooped up here with Timoti, with no adult activities. And women aren't exactly happy when they find out I'm a single father. Grocery store, post office, doctor's office - these are the places of my life. Timoti is adored in the village, at the nursery, and at the shop, he's the favourite everywhere.

"Terrible is the temptation to do good," ponders the maid in Brecht's Caucasian Chalk Circle, who has one minute to decide to save the abandoned baby, taking on the role of the fallen girl in a male-centric society. One minute to make a decision that will last a lifetime. And even today, some people experience this kind of temptation to do the right thing.